ranunculus's Blog

For the first time in... well I don’t even remember how long, I am looking forward to Christmas.

For me Christmas has never really been something to look forward to, the only thing I loved was watching everyone’s faces when they opened the presents I gave them... I’m more of a present giver then a getter. But anyway I have been trying to find out for the past week why this Christmas is different, was it because I’m older? Because I got my mum a great gift (I’m more excited about her opening it then I am about anything else)... no it’s none of those things. It finally hit me on Sunday.

You see me and mum were going to this carols thingy and it was meant to be just us, I was looking forward to that, we had so much fun last year but then my sister rocked up and butted in. and my night didn’t turn out to good, so that got me thinking maybe I’m looking forward to Christmas because its ONLY going to be me and mum? But that couldn’t be it right? That’s a horrible reason to enjoy Christmas.
The simple fact is I’m looking forward to Christmas because my sister isn't... no not just her, none of my family (other then mum) is going to be there. Its something I never thought would happen and the thought that someone might ruin that haunts me.

I guess I should explain a little more, its not that I don’t want to see my family it’s just they always ruin it for me, I just want a day where it’s just me and mum. I cant say ‘I love you’ to her and things like her birthday, mothers day and Christmas is the only time where I can do something great to show her that I do love her and it always gets taken away from me but this year its not, this year its my turn to shine.
Sounds stupid? Selfish? Mean? Anti-Christmas? Well that’s just me, I don’t mean bad things from it nor to be elfish I just want to spend a day with my mum, a day filled with good things and not all the horrid things that are on our doorstep.

It was obvious… anyone could have seen it… in fact everyone DID see it…. He wanted to say something to me, something without the others…. But I ignored him, I smiled and waved ‘goodbye’ then left him there…. Now I will never know… what was it he wanted to say to me, maybe I was afraid… maybe I didn’t want my bubble to be broken by the truth, but now… now it’s to late that opportunity is gone. This isn't the first time its happened either, there have been many times (with different people) that I have lost the chance to make something happen, to say how I feel. Argh I’m so stupid for all I know he could have been going to tell me that he liked me but then again he could have been going to tell me that he doesn’t… but I couldn’t talk to him, not then, not with my friends around, but I wont see him again… not for a long time and even then I doubt we will be alone. I love him I always have but I was stupid back then and now… now that I’m older, now that I understand more…. It’s to late. But that’s ok, I will be ok… there will be other chances…. There will be other opportunities; I am NOT going to let this bring me down… I won’t… its hard though, knowing that it was MY fault but maybe it’s a good thing, if I’m not ready to take a chance and just go for it then I’m not ready to be his and maybe… maybe I never will be…

Today i found out that me and mum are moving and i dont know how i feel about it... i guess i have just gotten so used to this house that it was starting to feel like home... i finally got to find out what it was like to be in a house for so long that every box had been un packed. all my life i have moved around, when i was born i was only in that house for 1 year the next house was 2 years then 2 1/2 and then after that it has always been either 6 or 12 months no more. i didnt mind to much i mean thats life right? but i never got to have a home well it never felt like home... there were always boxes left un packed cause there was no point we would be moving soon, once i was 10 i didnt even bother unpacking things anymore i just opened up the boxes when i needed something but that was it. Every time we moved mum would promise us that we would stay their until we all finished school but it was never true... guess that might have something to do with why mums promises dont mean anything to me anymore lol but like i said thats life and i cant complain, but then we came to this house and we have been here for 5 years i actually managed to un pack everything and have a home and now were moving again. i dont mind moving in fact i want to move but i just dont know where to start anymore... i have so much stuff everything i have collected over the years and i just dont know where to start... its like i have forgotten how to pack and move i just dont know what to do. I will miss this house so many things have happened in it so many funny stories like when my cat destoryed mums plant there was dirt all over the kitch, loungeroom and half way up the hall way that plant has lasted every animale we have ever had in the last 20 so years (the plant is older then me lol) then my cat destorys it lol the times spent with my friends.. i dunno i guess nothing major has happened but to me it is, i spent my child hood alone and this was the first house i had friends come over and stay the night and all that. then there is my room, i have been in this room so long iv made it mine my door is covered with photos of friends and family both inside and out and i have things hanging from the wall and all my teddys its just my room, a room that is truely mine. im happy to be moving, its a new place, a place just for me and mum, a new place to decorate, and with any luck a new me.

i really want to use this move as a chance to change myself, to become someone better but i dont know if i can..... not alone anyway and how am i meant to ask people to help me? i dont think i can.... there is one person who could help me but he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore... i closed that door long ago and i dont think it can ever be opened again, the worst part of it is that i still love him and if i wasnt such a stupid child i think things would of worked out with us. i hate who  i was as a child and i like to think that i have grown from that person but i know thats not ture, as much as i dont care what other people think a part of me still cares about what they think of my bf and i dont know why.... i dont care what they think about me so why should i care what they think about my bf? the worst thing about moving is that i will be living excatly 10 units down from him... from the one i let get away, sometimes i think the world is punishing me but i guess i can look at is as maybe another chance a chance to open that closed door who knows... i guess i will find out in a few days.

i dont even know what im on about now, im pretty tierd and my thoughts are all over the place, i just dont   know where to start... or how to start, how do i change myself? where am i meant to start in this endless room? everything has been throwen at me at once and i have no choice but to deal with i, i just hope i can.